Torture
by dancingknives
Summary: Songfic I Grieve Peter Gabriel. Deathfic. One of the brothers realizes its too late to make amends, too late for anything after a hunt goes wrong. Rated for language.


Ok a word on the song. I Grieve by Peter Gabriel is a really really excellent song, and like I was doing when I was writing this, I highly recommend downloading the song and playing it while you're reading. If you do, remember there are two versions of the song, the original version and the version that was played on Smallville 100th episode during the funeral of Clark's father. The latter version is the one you're going to want to get, it's much more of a funeral dirge, the flow is smoother, the echoes and stuff are stronger. Also, there's a part in the song that suddenly is very upbeat. Personally, I think that little upbeat section ruins the melancholic tone of the entire song, while I can tolerate it, it really doesn't match this story, thus, that entire section is omitted from the lyrics. Ok ok, on with the story, and please review!

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Torture. That's what they are. That's what each one of them is. That's what I feel when each saline drop stings into my eyes, sears into my soul. They languish, they flow, they etch along the scars, the wounds, the emptiness. I don't see anything beyond this haze, this burning haze that is slowly blinding my vision. But I deserve this pain, this is a responsibility I accept—I won't move to wipe my eyes. This pain will remind me…

_It was only one hour ago…_

_It was all so different then…_

Not even an hour. Not even a fucking hour. But I can't be sure. I don't know how to tell time anymore. Everything's shrouded in a soporific glaze that distorts human perception. Minutes fly by, they're hours gone away. A second, a year. An eternity.

_There's nothing yet that's really sunk in…_

_Looks like it always did…_

He's behind me. Wearing that stupid smirk that graces his features so perfectly, his lips move, outlining another joke. Another comment. There's a hand on my shoulder, and I can hear the quip now—it reaches me loud and clear. "Hey bro….don't be such a freakin' pussy!" The laugh is caught in my throat, and it suffocates before ever breaking through. I don't feel him anymore…

_This flesh and bone_

_Is just the way that you were tied in…_

The red lights blare in front of me, the men in dark uniforms. All the commotion is useless, there's nothing to be done. I think they tried to move me, but I can't move. My feet have taken root, I'm stuck here. I'm the marker that forever will commemorate this moment. And even when I finally leave, this will be all that's left on my mind. This moment, this day. Your flesh, your bone. Gods be damned, _my_ flesh, _my_ bone. Now the flesh is scarred, laced with sharp red welts. And the bones are shattered, fractured to oblivion.

_Now there's no one home…_

_I grieve…………………for you…_

I was such an asshole, I know that now. And I'll hate myself forever for what I did. What is that you ask? I _lied_. I lied to myself, to you, to everyone around me. I pretended, I pretended so hard. I must be a pretty damn good actor, hell I even fooled myself for those years. But that entire time I was just wearing a mask. I was a fake. I let you believe that that was the real me. I think I even had you, you who know me best, convinced. That's how much of an asshole I am. I managed to actually convince you, to convince myself, that I could live my own life. I can't, I can't, I _can't_, not without you! And what I hate the most is that it took me till this minute to realize that.

_You leave me…_

_So hard to move on…_

_Still lovin' what's gone…_

It's ironic isn't it? After everything, you were the one to leave. I have no doubt you're somewhere with Mom now; she'll finally get to see her baby boy again, and you'll finally have back that piece of your stolen innocence. Tell Mom I said hi…

_They say life carries on…_

_Carries on and on…and on…and on…_

What's left for me? Where do I go? I feel like a lost little kid. Like that time when we were kids, do you remember? When I lost myself in the woods behind our cabin that night, and I tried. I tried so hard to be brave, because I know you're brave, you wouldn't cry. And I didn't, not one drop. I didn't shed one tear. Not even when you finally found me, and you wrapped your arms around me and picked me up, telling me you'd never let me go. And I gave you a hug the best I could with my pudgy little arms.

_The news that cruelly shocks…_

_Is the empty, empty page_

_While the final rattle rocks_

_It's empty, empty cage_

The yellow tape is being spread out now. The black bold letters already are redundant in my mind. 'Do Not Cross' 'Do Not Cross.' They're fencing me in, fencing me away from the world. Here. Here where I've become frozen. I don't think I've blinked in the last few minutes; I can only stare. 'Do Not Cross' the signs say…

_And I can't handle this…_

My tears are falling—one by one, they dot the blood at my feet. Your blood. My blood. Intermingled. Oh God, I can see your eyes now. Open, staring up at the sky. Were you looking for me? Right before? Did you try to find me with your eyes right before? Did you try to tell me something? A last message, so that I wouldn't forget you…

_I grieve…………………for you…_

_You leave me…_

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want to scream, to yell, to punch something until my fingers run red with my blood, and my knuckles bare themselves to the open air. I want to cry until the tears don't sting anymore; until they're only washing away the blood, the guilt, that rattles my body. I took this for granted, didn't I? I got too comfortable. Routine hunt, that's all. Simple monster, simple kill, iron rounds, a silver bullet or so, just in case. But I forgot, nothing's simple with the hunt. How could it have happened? How did we both miss it? And why why did it only graze me, while it slashed you open? Well, I'll never know. I got revenge for ya bro… I can promise you that. There's at least a dozen rounds in that thing's ugly head; and another dozen through its heart. I couldn't stop Dean, my fingers kept pulling the trigger, pulling when it was empty even, trying to force out this guilt, this pain.

_Let it out and move on…_

When we were little, I told you I loved you. When I left you the first time, I glared at you with so much poison I actually saw fear in your eyes. When I threatened to leave every time after that, I could see feel the hurt vibrating from your soul. And I did nothing. I continued, damnit, I pushed you so much. I acted like I didn't give a damn about you. I was such a selfish bastard. But why, why did you always put me first? Why did you care about me so much that you'd always put yourself in harm's way first? Why didn't you understand that, as much as I may have hated this business, I loved you? I never wanted you to get hurt. Ah, did you hear that? Hear what a hypocritical fucker I'm being? I hurt you more than the demons ever could, didn't I?

_Missing what's gone…_

Is it too late to say I'm sorry? Well, what's the point. Sorry is just another fucking word. Another haphazard combination of consonants and vowels that humans created. Sorry doesn't mean a fucking thing unless you do something about it. I've told you I was sorry before, and did I do something about it? I guess I did, but not nearly as much as what I could have done. I could have stopped getting on you about the hunt, about Dad, about us. I could have told you I loved you. I could have told you that even if I left, that I'd never let you out of my life again. I could have…so many things.

_They say life carries on…_

_They say life carries on…_

_And on…and on…_

They're taking a report now. What are they going to do? That thing, that creature thing is still there. And only I can tell the truth, because I'm the only one left. But I'm not saying a word. I can't.

_Did I dream this belief?_

_Or did I believe this dream?_

They're trying so hard. Trying to mend you, trying to bring you back. Damn them, don't they think I tried? With everything I ever learned I tried. Could you hear me? Did you hear me sob your name as I tried desperately to stop the blood, to hold your broken body together. Did you feel me that one last time? Did you understand then, that I love you? That you're my big brother, my best friend, and I love you more than anything.

_Now I can find relief…_

_I grieve…_

_For you…………………_

I hope Heaven's looking nice. You'll get all the girls you'll ever want right? It's finally quiet now. They've finally given up hope, and I finally managed to speak. Isn't that amazing? I asked for you, and they didn't protest at all when I took you back. I've buried you here, under this fresh meadow. I don't need to leave anything here; I'll never forget where you are. It's hard to imagine that amidst this rotting forest, I found a sanctuary. Maybe this is a small part of the utopia that you're at right now. What will I do now big bro? I think I can see you smiling at me, and answering with another one of your retorts. The corners of my mouth twitch a little, I can almost see you again, as clear as you ever were.

I'm leaving the meadow now, walking down the silent hill where you're finally at peace. The Impala's still where we've left it; no one's gotten to it yet. I open the driver's seat door, and damn, this is too familiar. I'm driving away now, back towards the road, back to some unknown destination. I'm driving your car, and I'll be killing with your gun. The suns starting to set. It's setting on me, it's set on you. The tears have finally stopped flowing, and there's only a dry trace of salt on my face now. I look back in the rearview mirror, and there's no one in the backseat. It's an empty road, there's no one else on it. Just me, the car, the silent stench of remorse. I promise that I won't ever fail again. This has been the longest four hours of my life—there's only infinity left to go.

Till we meet again big bro…

_I grieve_


End file.
